My mother-in-law found Laws Concerning Food and Drink; Household Principles; Lamentations of the Father, an old humor piece Ian Frazier originally published in The Atlantic and sent it to me. For all parents of young children who must suffer the demoralizing experience of children’s mealtime, this is for you. Here’s a sample, but click on the link to read the whole piece.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away. When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck; for you will be sent away.